Just Don't

So this bothers me quite a bit. I wasn’t going to say anything about Robin Williams because I actually wasn’t surprised like everybody else seemed to be. And I’m not saying that to be an asshole.

I have lived with bipolar disorder for seventeen years. Most people wouldn’t guess that—couldn’t guess that. I see my psychiatrist, take my meds, and go to counseling if and when I need it. It’s work. It’s difficult and sticky and humbling. And it’s heart-breaking to see somebody go the way Robin Williams did. Some people self-medicate like Williams had in the past. I’m not saying I agree with it, but I understand the appeal. I understand the need to feel numb and to quiet the voices in your head. And sometimes that period of numbness doesn’t feel long enough.

What frustrates me is reading Christian quotes from people who can’t understand the disease.

Stop.

It’s offensive and it trivializes a struggle most couldn’t begin to understand. Those pithy platitudes suggest the people battling depression have somehow lost their way. It suggests that they gave up on God or whatever higher power they believed in. That’s not how depression/bipolar/schizophrenia works. Depression is a sickness.

The particular quote that caused this rant is from Corrie ten Boom and says “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

Fuck off. This isn’t Nazi Germany. The bad guys aren’t easily identified by a swastika on their sleeve.

Let me tell you something. Suicide isn’t spontaneous. Those thoughts sit there and slowly chew away at your resolve. They weed out any happiness and hope that you might have and shine a big ol’ spotlight on all the failures in your life, people you’ve hurt, and betrayals that have been inflicted upon you. It separates you from your friends and family by causing you to lash out at them. Depression is a dark corner where the only discernable company is guilt, doubt, and loathing.

Imagine someone who has battled this quiet monster for years, decades. And what is your suggestion?

Jesus take the wheel?

Trust an intangible deity that (if you do believe) has given you a pretty crap hand to do all the heavy lifting?

What you view as a supportive spiritual quote I see as censure. Don’t offer advice that you’re unfit to give. Don’t presume to know their pain because you felt depressed that one time. Being depressed and having depression are not the same.

It’s a dick move. Not everybody believes in God. That’s their business. It doesn’t mean that the absence of faith explains the outcome. All it means is that the depression was too much. The monster won and at the end of the day, the world lost somebody that meant something to the people around him or her. It’s harsh and ugly. Don’t piss on their struggle by suggesting it could have turned out differently if they just thought happy thoughts.

So if you think you have the solution to depression and suicide, just don’t. People who’ve fought this internal battle daily have already heard it. More than likely they’ve gone to therapy. Medicated. Self-medicated. Used art to express their pain and sex as a distraction. Cut off all their hair, changed their diet, and experimented with God. They’ve bargained and prayed and still felt dirty and hollow inside. And sometimes—if they’re lucky—they manage to find and hold onto a sliver of tranquility by believing in God or not, but that threat of darkness will always be there.

Feel free to do all the praying you find necessary, but don’t suggest that mental illness is something that can be prayed away. The best you can do for friends with depression is get them professional help and let them know you’re there, that you’ll listen, and that you care.